Monday, December 10, 2012

Is Nappy Hair a Deal Breaker for Guys?



Today a group of friends and I were discussing experiences while dating men; now that I am natural. I figured I would share it with you guys.

It would be nice if I could say that it is uncommon for a guy to dismiss, cease communication or not go on a second date with a girl because she has natural (Nappy) hair. The hair she was born with – that is. But I cannot. It is more common than people think. I am fortunate to now be with a man who is very accepting of who I am and my ‘nappiness’ and encourages my natural journey. However the road there was a very bumpy one.

This is a very REAL issue within the black community. We are still not at the point of accepting our ‘blackness’ and loving black women like they are. We are so far away from that point that it is very hard to picture it. 

So here is the story: One day out of curiosity I asked a guy I went out with if he could tell me why we never went on a second date and I expressed that he can be very candid. He said ‘ok’ and began to explain. ‘I think you are a very bright and attractive girl but I don’t like the Nappy Hair you have and don’t think I will. But you’re a cool girl though’. Yes guys! That is what the guy said to me. I wasn’t mad but you have to stop and think and acknowledge that this is how lots of men think. The question is how are we going to correct this? And worse, can it even be corrected? 

While discussing this, we started reminiscing on the feed backs we were getting from guys. Asking us questions like ‘why is your hair not permed?’; ‘how do you comb your hair seeing that it is not straight?’ or “What is going on with your hair”. All while trying to ask nicely to make sure the date is not completely ruined. Yes people, these are comments that came from guys’ mouths. Disgusting! But true.

My best friend IslandEssence from YouTube wrote on her Facebook:
Girl: why did we only go on one date?
Guy: I cant deal with the nappy hair thing...
My Advice: Maybe u need a white girl...they come with straight hair, naturally

It created a positive buzz all day on her Facebook and twitter. We also realized that lots of men shared our views. "Very comforting".

We decided to go to Google and do some quick research. The results were astounding. It made us realize that this is not an isolated thing. This is something that happens to naturalsistas all the time. It is sad, but we are slowly learning to have thick skin and not be offended. A lot of attractive, educated and grounded women are being turned down and shunned by educated black men because they don’t have long flowing straight hair. Men are that shallow.

Kittikat24 from http://www.longhaircareforum.com left this post on the issue:
I was getting to know a guy and after communicating for a while he abruptly broke it off. Perplexed I found out from a friend that he couldn't be with a girl with 'nappy hair'. I guess he decided he'd have to "change me" to continue the relationship. That just hurts though, that out of EVRYTHING...the deal breaker's my hair?

Empressri also from http://www.longhaircareforum.com left this post on the issue:
I have been ps'ing in wigs lately but decided to wear my 'fro' a few days ago.

My mentor (an older man), looks at me and says, "What is going on with your hair?" I responded with 'this is the hair that God gave me, which promptly shut him up.

She couldn’t have said it better. And there are tons of comments on this topic in almost all hair forums I looked at. It is a shame to be honest. But it’s a real issue that lots of our black educated women face daily.

Have you had any negative comments directed at you by men because of how you choose to wear your hair?

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12 comments

  1. Both men and women have issues with my hair, shoot i have issues with it, so i have stopped taking offense. I often find myself making excuses about why i decided to 'go natural'. I understand how this must hurt,despite having the support of my natural female cousins nothing was more heart-warming than when my male cousin said that natural hair is cool and that even tho he doesn't understand my style as long as it suits me . He was a great help when i was in my what the hell did i do after my BC he said cooly " i think thats nice "
    I say this to say that though there are many out there who through socialization or whatever don't or can't appreciate naturals, there are still men out there who has the good sense to like what God gave us,,,,,,, maybe just maybe they arent't all 'brothas'.
    So go boldy and fiercely u never needed his small mind anyways

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    Replies
    1. Yes. its comforting to know that some of those good men still exist. Lol!

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  2. The responses have been varied from she is depressed to what the hell did you do to Ohhh she a turn rasta,,,, at the end of the day i just feel free. Who can put a value on that on loving the real you sans chemical burns and breakage ? So my brother who never quite understood why I am sorry you missed out.

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  3. Honestly, when I first did my BC I got the same response... I actually broke up with my ex bf over my big chop because he preferred ladies with longer hair and forbid me to cut mine (HA!!!!) Well walking around in a one inch afro was SO tough on my dating life. But now a year and a half later, my hair has grown a substantial amount and I get compliments left and right from guys. Nothing else has changed but the length of my hair so I don't get it!!! Why is hair such a big deal?

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    Replies
    1. Man its messed up. Not because of what in your head but what is on top of it? it sucks that men can be that shallow. Its only hair. If you look on my facebook you will see a long comment on my wall from a guy with lots of negativity towards natural hair. it was so bad two girl tore him to pieces. I get compliments now but like you it was hard with a bald head.

      Thanks for reading my blog!

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  4. I can feel that my husband is not comfortable with my natural hair when we go out in public.
    http://www.keepitnaturalsisters.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i love your pics. Your very beautiful with your natural hair. he should be comfortable with you as you are. its crazy how wearing your natural born hair can affect ppl. Oh i checked out your blog. love it!

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  5. I'm hecka late, but I wanted to reply lol. In my experience, most of the negative feedback I get about my tightly curled hair has come from Black guys. They avoid eye contact, rush past me, etc. Every Asian, Latino or Middle Eastern guy to approach me, however, has loved my hair and found it an attractive physical feature. I don't mind at all (I'll take whatever attention I can get lol), but sometimes I'm just like o_O. I can't help the way my hair grows out of my scalp - people act all offended like I grew my hair to be like this on purpose. Smh.

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  6. Most of my life i have natural hair, for about 2 year i had permed hair, then i had locks, then the big chop now short natural hair. the period where i got the most attention from men was when i had the big chop and the locks. I was very surprised that so many men loved my bald head!I have never had that experience with any negative response from men due to my very nappy hair!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some women look really good bald. You must be part of that group!

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  7. I've never been dissed by anyone except a really mean crowd at my basketball game after my BC. My friends and me laughed. My white friends all want to touch it (annoying) but never have I gotten mean remarks. Guys avoid me and at school I was called a guy a few times (we wear a uniform) but I was never upset. Most people don't care and to be honest, I want to focus on my studies before jumping in the dating game. That'll give me a chance to focus without drama and give my hair a chance to grow some more :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ive been buying honest diapers for my baby since I discovered them when she was 3 months old. To my opinion they are the most absorbent. They almost never leak and are very thin so my baby can walk comfortably with them. The large package is also a great deal if you buy online. It saves you money and the hassle to carry the box from the store because they are delivered to your home.

    ReplyDelete

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